My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
