I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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