He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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