is your mom at the bar?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
