Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
