dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
