his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
