im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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