saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't think brook has ever known best
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
