I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
