I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
