a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
