I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
