People in love make me want to vomit
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
