He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
