That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
