so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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