my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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