Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
