I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
