I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
