My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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