If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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