So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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