i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
