you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
