the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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