Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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