The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
