Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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