her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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