You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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