Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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