My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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