Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
