I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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