Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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