My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Boobs are out for the taking
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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