I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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