Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize