one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
