I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
