so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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