He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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