Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I currently don't understand fingers.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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