On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
