you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
