omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
