Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
