It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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