Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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