Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
