Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
